


It's free real estate

by crumpetz



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:01:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28417269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crumpetz/pseuds/crumpetz
Summary: This is a story I wrote as a gift to a child in my life who really loves Stan Pines and Bill Cipher. It is child-friendly and not scary or dark.If anyone wants to recycle this and use it as a gift for someone in your life, please feel free! You have my full permission to copy-paste it and change the name and pronouns of the OC, or anything else you may wish to do to customize it.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 6





	It's free real estate

**Author's Note:**

> This story was written for an 8 yr old child, and I wrote it with his personality in mind. He likes adventures, but he doesn't like things that are too stressful, so I wrote everything specifically to be exciting without causing any anxiety.
> 
> As I was writing this, is occurred to me that other people on this site may have a kid/someone in their lives that might appreciate a fic about them going on an adventure with Bill Cipher and Stan Pines. So, on the off chance that is the case, I'm putting this up here for anyone who wants to take it and use it. Feel free to change anything :)
> 
> Name of OC has been changed to protect the real kid's privacy.

Scout was falling.

Falling through empty white space.

Usually falling would be scary, but with everything being empty and white, it kind of looked like he wasn’t even falling very far despite the fact that he just kept falling. So it wasn’t scary, exactly.

But it was weird.

And, after the first few minutes, it was boring.

“Hello?” Scout said. “Anybody out there?”

No answer.

Scout seemed to be completely alone.

And he was still falling.

This was definitely weird.

He’d probably think he was dreaming if he didn’t clearly remember being in the middle of brushing his teeth when everything around him turned white and the falling started. His mouth still tasted like toothpaste.

“I have to get back home!” Scout said.

And, of course, there was no answer. He wasn’t sure what he expected.

But then, a few moments later, a robotic sounding voice echoed around him.

“DIMENSION GATE ACTIVATED,” said the voice. “DIMENSION GATE ACTIVATED.”

“What does that mean?” Scout said.

“SCOUT JONES,” the voice said. “HUMAN BOY. NOW ENTERING ALTERNATE DIMENSION.”

“What?” Scout said. “Alternate dimension? Why am I doing that?”

There was no answer. Instead, the white space was filled with a rainbow explosion of colors. Scout was suddenly not falling anymore.

He was standing.

On a wooden dock.

There was a boat ahead of him, bobbing up and down in the water where it was docked. It looked strangely familiar.

On the side of the boat, Scout could just make out a name painted in black.

STAN O’ WAR II.

…

There weren’t any people around. Everything was kind of quiet. Scout could hear the waves tossing and the boat in front of him creaking softly as it rocked. There were seagulls calling overhead. So Scout wasn’t the only living thing around, at least. But…no people.

Except…

“Hey!” a gruff voice said from the boat’s direction. “Ford? Is that you? Something weird is going on.”

A face popped up from below deck and peered up at where Scout was standing on the dock.

Scout froze.

Yep. There was no mistaking him. That was Stan Pines staring at him. Stan Pines, the cartoon character. Round eyes and boxy face and big square glasses over the same pink nose from actual television.

Stan’s jaw dropped slightly.

“Grunkle…Stan?” Scout said.

For a moment, Stan’s expression didn’t change. Then, all at once, it was like the tension melted right out of him. His face broke into a relieved smile, and he climbed his way to the edge of the boat and onto the dock to stand in front of Scout properly.

“If you’re calling me that,” Stan said, “you must be a friend of Dipper's and Mabel’s, right? That makes sense. Those kids are always involved with weird stuff. I guess you’re part of whatever’s going on here?”

Scout blinked. “Whatever’s…?”

Stan untucked his hands, which Scout realized had been in his pockets until now. And, whoa, that was definitely weird. Grunkle Stan’s hands looked like lizard claws. Green and scaly and everything. Rainbow glitter dusted his knuckles.

“They definitely didn’t look like that in the show,” Scout said.

“Huh?” Stan said.

“Um,” Scout said. “Sir, I don’t really know what’s going on here at all. I thought you were just a TV show. Am I inside a TV show?!”

“A TV show?” Stan laughed. “What? That’s crazy. Although, I guess weirder things have happened. To me, personally. On a regular basis.”

“I know!” Scout said. “I’ve seen it! On your TV show!”

Stan’s smile faded a bit. He tilted his head. “Okay. Name one thing you ‘saw’ on my show. That someone else couldn’t have told you about!”

Oh. That was a pretty good question. Scout had to think about it. This was weird. This was really weird. He was talking to Grunkle Stan.

“Oh! I got it!” Scout said. “When you tricked Bill Cipher into going inside your head, the you in your head was sitting in your living room playing paddle ball. That’s the deepest part of your mind, right before it was erased! That’s not something anyone could tell me, right?”

“Whoa.” Stan scratched his chin with his glittery lizard claw. “I’m gonna be honest, kid. I’m not sure even I could’ve told you that. I guess you really are legit, huh? You came from a world where I’m a TV show.”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. Time for the big question. Am I the main character?”

“You’re one of them.”

Stan shrugged. “Eh. I’ll take it.”

Stan shook his hands out in front of him. Some rainbow glitter fell off his scales, except, as it fell, it looked less like glitter falling and more like rainbow smoke.

“Huh,” Stan said. “That’s definitely suspicious. Kinda wonder if we should be washing this stuff off. I mean, it’s not burning or anything, is it?”

“Huh?” Scout said.

Stand pointed a clawed finger. “You’re covered in it.”

Scout looked down at himself. And, yikes, he was covered in the rainbow stuff. He wasn’t sure why he hadn’t realized sooner.

“I’m not turning into a lizard, am I?” Scout said.

“No, no.” Stan waved his hand dismissively. “You look like a normal human kid. Just…sparkly. As long as it’s not hurting you, I guess it’s fine to leave it. We should probably focus on getting things back to normal for now. No offense to lizard hands, but Ford’s got everything fingerprint protected and as long as I don’t have my usual fingers, I can’t watch Ducktective on my phone. There’s a new episode tonight and everything!”

“I also probably need to think about how to get home,” Scout said. “I mean, I want to stay here and explore for a while, because this is pretty cool. But I can’t stay here forever.”

“Right. That too.” Stan nodded. “Our goals are equally important.”

“Where’s Ford?” Ford was kind of the expert on fixing magical weirdness in the show.

But Stan just looked put out. “He went off on his own to check something out last night, and he still isn’t back yet. He probably got captured or fell in a hole or something. Again.”

“We could…go look for him?”

“He usually just comes home on his own if I wait. He’s pretty resourceful.”

“Waiting around on a boat with no Wi-Fi sounds really boring.”

Stan sighed. “You got that right, kid.” Stan eyed Scout carefully. “Okay, here’s the deal. Whatever my brother went to check, it was definitely weird and potentially dangerous. Whatever is happening to us, though, is also weird and potentially dangerous, so it maybe evens out. So we can go look for my brother.”

“Yes!”

“On one condition!” Stan said. “You have to listen to me. No buts. I’m the grown-up and it’s my job to be in charge and make sure you don’t get caught up in anything too dangerous. Understood?”

It was hard to take Stan seriously when the finger he was holding up looked like it belonged to an alligator who’d been rolling in sparkles. But Scout nodded.

“Okay.” Stand folded his arms. “In that case, we’re gonna need supplies. And by that I mean, snacks for the road. How do you feel about junk food?”

“I feel good about it.”

“That makes this much easier. Oh, right. You got a name?”

“I’m Scout.”

“Scout.” Stan smiled. “Nice to officially meet you, kid.”

…

The good news was that Ford had left a map.

The bad news was that the map led them over monster infested waters. The monsters weren’t scary, but they were rude, and they wouldn’t let Scout and Stan use the bridge until Stan handed over all of their Snickers bars!

“This is the worst,” Scout said.

“Tell me about it,” Stan said, zipping up his backpack and hugging it protectively in his lizard hands. “I’m surprised my brother even got this far. All he brings on these trips is, like…pumpkin seeds.”

“Pumpkin seeds?”

“Don’t ask. I don’t get it either. Pretty sure monsters don’t eat ‘em, though.”

They got to the end of the bridge and stepped onto a grassy path. Besides the candy-eating monsters, the journey had been pretty tame so far. Given that this was happening in the Gravity Falls universe, Scout had been expecting something weirder to have happened by now.

Even the walking wasn’t bad. They’d gone pretty far, and Scout wasn’t even tired. Maybe being in a TV universe wasn’t as tiring in being in the real one. Maybe real bodies were stronger than cartoon bodies, and Scout had managed to keep his strength when he came here.

It kind of made him want to test it. If he raced Stan, would Scout be able to go a lot faster?

That probably wasn’t a good test. Stan’s legs were way longer, and Scout’s knees were way younger. Too many things that could throw the results off.

“Whoa, you see that?” Stan said, coming to a stop.

Scout looked at where he was pointing.

At the side of the path, a few feet in front of them, there were a couple of large stones. And peeking out from behind the one closest to them was a shiny, pointy…corner of something. And it was covered in rainbow glitter.

“Yeah, I see that,” Scout said. “Hey!” he said louder. “Is someone there?”

The corner moved, stepping out from behind the stone and becoming a rainbow-covered triangle with legs. And one big eye.

“Ah. So you finally noticed me,” said the triangle.

Grunkle Stan put his fists up like he was ready for a fight.

“Bill Cipher?!” Scout said.

“Excellent! You’ve heard of me!” Bill said. “And I…”

Bill didn’t get to finish his sentence.

Grunkle Stan took a step forward and punched Bill in the eye. Bill fell backwards onto the grass, a cloud of glitter coming off him.

“Back!” Stan said. “Back to whence you came!”

“And he’s got a physical body?!” Scout said. “How?!”

“Who cares?” Stan said. “I’ve done this before. Let me handle this guy.”

Bill scooted back on the grass, rubbing his eye. “Hey, hey, take a breath! Everyone! I haven’t even done anything yet!”

“If Bill’s got his physical form,” Scout said, “why is he just letting you punch him? Shouldn’t…like…the sky be full of bears or something right now?”

“Oh.” Bill stopped scooting back. “I like this kid. He’s not one of the usual ones, is he? I don’t recognize him. I thought I knew everybody.”

Grunkle Stan stepped in front of Scout, blocking him from Bill’s view. “The kid’s none of your business. He’s got a point, though. How are you alive? And why aren’t you…making things weird?”

“Well, that is an interesting question,” Bill said. “With an equally interesting, but unfortunately very long, and complicated answer. Way too nuanced for your tiny brains to…”

“Oh!” Scout said, peering around Stan’s leg. “He’s covered in the same stuff as us! Whatever weirdness changed your hands and brought me to this dimension must have made Bill exist here again! But why isn’t he making things weird? Maybe he was returned to life without his powers! Look, he’s not even floating!”

Stan gasped. “You’re right! He’s not floating!”

Bill hopped to his feet, eye going wide. “Yeah, so? At least I used to float! I bet you two have always used your legs! Who’s the real winner here?”

Grunkle Stan snorted. He turned to Scout. “Heh. Sounds like he was just too embarrassed to tell us.”

“Why would I be embarrassed?” Bill said. “I just cheated death! I’m perfectly in control of this entire situation! All you have are weird raptor claws!”

Scout stared as Bill kicked a tiny foot.

Bill Cipher. The main villain from Gravity Falls. He was so small in person, he kind of looked like a triangle-shaped toddler. A triangle-shaped toddler throwing a tantrum.

“Let’s take him on our adventure,” Scout said.

Stan and Bill both flinched at the same time.

“What?!” Stan said.

“Adventure?” said Bill.

“Yeah,” Scout said. “We’re trying to fix the weirdness going on with us. Isn’t Bill Cipher, like, an expert on weirdness? Big things always happen when he’s in an episode.”

“Episode?” said Bill.

Stan frowned. “Yeah, I don’t know if you remember, kid, but those big things that happen when he’s around tend to be big, bad things.”

“Only because of his powers,” Scout said. “He doesn’t even have them right now.”

“Eh. But he’s still a jerk,” Stan said.

Scout folded his hands together and met Stan’s eyes. “Please? He’s my favorite character. It’ll be so much cooler if he comes.”

Stan’s face fell into an expression of horror. “He’s your favorite? Are you serious?”

“Wait!” Bill said. “Character? Are you from the dimension where we’re a TV show? I always wanted to visit! Manifesting there’s way harder than here, though!”

“I can’t believe I’m not your favorite character,” Stan said.

“You guys are both my favorite,” Scout said. “That’s why it would be so cool if I got to go on just one adventure with both of you right now. Before I have to go back to my dimension. Forever. Where I’ll never get another chance again.”

Stan grimaced. “Aw. Man. The puppy dog eyes. Kid, you’re killing me.”

Scout blinked up at him.

Stan sighed. “Fine. But I am still in charge. And Bill has to stay in the backpack.”

“Excuse me?” Bill said.

“It’s the closest thing we’ve got to a prison,” Stan said. “Which is where you should be.”

Bill’s eye narrowed. “Being carried is also a lot closer to floating than walking is. So you’ve got a deal. I’m bored, and this adventure seems like my kind of thing. That’s why I’m agreeing. You’re not making me do anything.”

Scout helped Stan transfer what was left of their snacks to the front pocket of the backpack so that Bill could fit in the bigger part without crushing the chips. Bill seemed disappointed that he wouldn’t be crushing the chips.

Bill was kind of clumsy stepping into the backpack once it was clear. It made Scout wonder how much Bill had been using his powers in the show. Bill always seemed to get around so smoothly. He always seemed really on top of things. Now he was just a triangle guy getting his tiny foot caught on the opening of a backpack. It looked kind of human.

…

They were almost at the cave at the end of the map, but they had to climb up and down a ton of hills to get there, and Grunkle Stan was out of breath.

“Are you okay?” Scout said.

“You sound like an old guy, Pines,” said Bill, from where his eye poked out from the open top of the backpack.

“Yeah? What a coincidence. I am an old guy,” Stan said. He slowed to a stop and put his hands on his hips, catching his breath. “And you are heavier than you look.”

“What can I say? I’m limitless,” said Bill. “The incarnation of chaos. A vessel of multitudes.”

“You’re a pain in the back is what you are,” said Stan.

“How about I try carrying the backpack?” Scout said. “I’m not even tired.”

“I don’t know, kid,” said Stan. “He’s pretty heavy.”

“Mm.” Scout gave the backpack a look. “I actually think I’ll be fine. I don’t know why, but I think I’m stronger here than I am in my world.”

“Oh,” Bill said. “Wait. You guys didn’t know that? This kid’s universe is, like, the most complicated one out of all of them. I mentioned that I can’t get a physical form there, right? It’s because everything there is like turned up to five-thousand. Even I couldn’t adapt. A being like him in a world like this is like bringing a race car to a go-cart race.”

“Whoa,” Scout said.

“Well, I take back what I said,” Stan said, handing the backpack to Scout.

Scout put the backpack on. Scout blinked. It felt like he was carrying just a couple of grapes.

“Wait, this was heavy for you?” Scout said.

“Yes,” Stan said. “And now I regret not making you carry it from the start. Man, guess Bill was right. You’ve got super strength here. Heh. Think you could just use those muscles of yours to throw me to the end of our route?”

“You’d definitely break your face on the landing,” Bill said from the backpack, now just behind Scout’s ear. “Not saying you shouldn’t do it.”

Scout looked at Stan.

Stan really did look tired after carrying the backpack over so many hills already. He was even sweating.

“I could just,” Scout said, “try carrying you too?”

Stan laughed. “Wait. Seriously?”

Scout held out one hand, palm up, like he was balancing an invisible tray. “Just try it. You want to get your hands back in time for Ducktective, right?”

Stan raised an eyebrow. “You’re absolutely right.”

Stan stepped onto Scout’s open palm like a stair step. He climbed his other foot onto Scout’s shoulder and stood tall.

Scout’s jaw dropped.

He honestly hadn’t expected it to be that easy.

“Okay?” Stan said.

Scout smiled. “It feels like I’m holding a thin piece of paper. This is crazy!”

“You’re telling me,” Stan said. “Check out how tall I am like this! I feel powerful!”

Scout started walking, Bill in the backpack and Stand standing on his hand and shoulder like a giant parrot on the shoulder of a pirate. Scout curled his fingers around Stan’s foot that was on his hand to keep him balanced and picked up the pace.

Stan whooped. “Ha! Ford’s not gonna believe this!”

“Nice going, kid!” Bill said. “You know, with power like yours, you could rule this tiny world! You and me should team up!”

“No way!” Scout said. “Ruling the world would be too much work! I want to have fun before I go home!”

“What’s more fun than ruling the world?” Bill said. “Am I right?”

“I haven’t tried jumping yet,” Scout said.

Scout got to the top of the next hill and launched himself into his next step. Scout and his passengers were propelled through the air, hair blowing back, wind in their ears, their voices screaming in a mix of fear and excitement. They crossed from one hilltop all the way to the next one in one leap.

Scout landed on his feet.

“Holy cow!” Stan said.

“That,” Bill said, sounding stunned, “wasn’t anything like floating.”

“That,” Scout said, “was way more fun than ruling the world.”

“Do it again!” Bill said. “I want to swallow a bug this time!”

“Do not let go of my foot!” Stan said, crouching to grip the handle on the backpack for extra security.

Scout got a running start and jumped.

…

They got to the cave, and Stan stepped back onto the ground to walk on his own. They opted to keep Bill secure in the backpack Scout was carrying to avoid any funny business.

The first thing Scout noticed as they entered the cave was the weird, grassy smell. Like someone had just mowed the lawn. But there was no lawn in the cave. Just rocks.

And then something enormous and very fluffy started glowing in front of them, like someone had switched a light on.

But it wasn’t a light.

It was what appeared to be a giant, glowing sheep.

Stan paused beside Scout, turning the map in his hands. “This is what Ford was looking for?”

“A sheep?!” Scout said.

Bill flailed around in the backpack. “That’s no sheep! That’s a dimensional vortex beast!”

“A what?” Scout and Stan said.

The beast’s gaze shifted to them. The noise had apparently drawn its attention.

“A dimensional vortex beast!” Bill said. “It’s only the most magical, most powerful creature in existence! I’ve only ever heard of them! I wasn’t sure they were even real! This baby can do anything!”

Stan stepped forward, holding out his lizard claws. “Lucky us! Ducktective starts in ten minutes! Great beast, make my hands human again!”

The beast lowered its head and opened its giant mouth. It opened its mouth wide.

Stan jumped back just in time. “Whoa!”

Scout took a couple steps back, too. “Did it just try to eat you?!”

Bill laughed. “Did I forget to mention that? They think everything is food! Nothing’s safe!”

“Okay,” Stan said, guiding Scout back by his shoulder. “Man-eating vortex sheep. That’s officially too dangerous. Time to stand back, kiddo.”

Stan stood in front of Scout, blocking him off from the beast.

Although, the beast was just standing there again. It wasn’t even trying to follow them. It was like it was too lazy to eat them if they didn’t walk right up to where its mouth was.

“Are you sure?” Scout said. “Maybe I should be the one to talk to the beast. I’m the strongest.”

Stan smiled. “Yeah. That’s the truth. But you’re still a kid. Leave this to the grown-up, okay?”

Scout nodded. It would probably be fine. Gravity Falls episodes had always worked out on TV.

Stan rolled up his sleeves. “Hey, Cipher. My brother was supposed to be investigating here today. Think the beast got him?”

“I’d say it’s likely,” Bill said. “You humans are so insignificant, the beast probably mistook your brother for a tall blade of grass.”

“Right,” Stan said. “Well, Ford’s the most likely person to know how to switch the weirdness back. And he is also my family. So him staying eaten by a vortex sheep isn’t really an option for me. How can I get Ford out?”

Bill laughed. “Get Ford out? Are you serious? What part of most powerful being in existence didn’t you hear? The beast ate because it was hungry. An all powerful being won’t undo its actions just because you don’t like them. Imagine tearing down your precious Mystery Shack and re-building it two feet to the left because the ants under your floor complained about you wrecking their anthills.”

“Wait,” Scout said. “It ate Ford because it was hungry? So it could spit Ford out if we gave it something else to eat!”

Stan’s eyebrows rose. “I see! So we feed it Bill Cipher as a replacement!”

“What?!” Bill said.

“Um,” Scout said. “I was thinking we could just give it some of the snacks we brought.”

“Oh,” Stan said. “Yeah. That’s fine too, I guess.”

“After everything I’ve done for you,” Bill said. “That’s the thanks I get? You’ve made a mistake, getting on my bad side, Stan Pines.”

Scout lowered the backpack to the ground to get the snacks out of the front pocket. “Wasn’t he already on your bad side?”

“Yes!” Bill said. He stepped out of the top of the backpack now that it was on the ground. “He was already on my bad side. My worst side! You’re absolutely right, kid! You know, we agree on so many things. You should reconsider teaming up with me.”

“We’re an adventuring team right now, aren’t we?” Scout said, handing Stan some snack bags.

Bill paused. “I meant a taking-over-the-world team, though. Let’s do that. Remember the sky-bears? Genius! We could do that!”

“Maybe some other time,” Scout said. “I think vortex beasts are enough to deal with right now.”

“Okay. That wasn’t a no,” Bill said. “I’ll take it.”

Stan stared down at his handfuls of snacks. “Huh. Hey, Cipher, you said this beast eats everything, right? So no need to unwrap the snacks.”

“Huh?” Bill said. “Sure. You mean you guys don’t eat the wrappers? That’s where all the flavor is.”

“You eat wrappers?” Scout said.

“Yes? They’re the best part,” Bill said.

“Hm,” said Scout. “It’s a shame you can’t come to my universe. We’d never have to take out the trash.”

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about,” said Bill, “but it’s making me hungry.”

Stan stepped forward just enough to be within a good tossing range of the beast. He didn’t get close enough to be gobbled up.

Stan tossed the first snack like a baseball.

It landed on the ground, right in front of the beast’s mouth. The beast leaned over it slowly and licked the snack bag up with its giant, rainbow-glitter tongue.

“Okay,” Stan said. “Looks like we have a winner.”

Stan tossed another snack. This time the beast was ready for it and caught it in its mouth mid-air.

“I got your attention?” Stan said. He held up his handfuls of snacks. “Way tastier than my brother, isn’t it? Well, there’s more where that came from if you spit him out. Sounds good, right?”

The beast blinked its big sheep's eyes, one at a time.

It sneezed. The sound was surprisingly soft. A tall, glitter-covered body shot out of the beast’s nose and landed on the cave floor.

“Ew!” Scout said, covering his eyes.

“Oh, I did not see that coming!” Bill said beside him.

“Ford?” Stan said.

Scout peeked through his fingers just in time to see Ford stand up and dust rainbow glitter off himself.

“Stanley?” Ford said.

“Get over here,” Stan said. “Before you get eaten again.”

“Right!” Ford ran over to them. He went rigid. “What?! Bill Cipher?! And who’s the kid? Stan, you brought a child out here?”

Stan tossed the other snacks at the beast, and the beast caught each of them. It made a very sheep-like noise, and Scout didn’t speak sheep or vortex beast, but it sounded happy.

“You can thank the kid for saving your life,” Stan said. “He’s the one who figured out how to get the beast to spit…or, well, sneeze you out, I guess. And as much as it pains me to say it, evil triangle man’s been helpful too.”

“Eh,” Bill said with a shrug. “I was bored.”

“Interesting.” Ford adjusted his glasses, studying them all intently. “Bill Cipher. He appears to have a physical body, but he’s not floating or using any of his powers. And you each have some amount of the beast’s rainbow sparkles on some part of you. I understand!”

“Do you?” Stan said. “Because it’s up to you to fix it.”

Ford stood up straight again. “Yes. You see, when I went to investigate the anomaly this morning, I didn’t realize it was being caused by a dimensional vortex beast. I only realized after it swallowed me. And, wouldn’t you know it, it seems the beast’s one weakness is pumpkin seeds, which fell out of my pocket when it swallowed me. I gave the beast an allergic reaction! Luckily for me, I was warped to a pocket-dimension as a healing response, where I was able to wait quite comfortably, but even from there, I could hear the beast sneezing.”

“Sneezing?” Stan said.

“Yes,” said Ford. “And all the beast’s powers are stored in its nose. So all the sneezing messed with the fabric of reality. The sneezes passed through reality at random and happened to hit Stan’s hands, Bill Cipher’s existence, and this kid’s location in time and space. See? Look at yourselves. The places on your body that were affected by the beast’s sneezes are the same parts covered it its sinus glitter.”

“Wait,” Stan said, holding up his lizard hands. “This is snot?”

“Gross!” Scout said.

“Wait, you guys didn’t realize that?” Bill said. “It’s so obvious!”

“I don’t want to realize it!” Scout said, shaking his arms out. “Why does it smell like flowers?”

“It’s not literal snot,” Ford said. “The dimensional vortex beast is made of pure magic. Its nose is pocket-dimension and the sparkles are simply concentrated magical energy.”

“How do I get it off?” Stan said.

“Soap,” Ford said. “For now, you three need to stand within sneezing range. It would seem the snacks you gave it made it feel better enough to sneeze me out and start to recover fully, but it should still have a few sneezes left. It’s the only thing that will get you back to normal. A problem caused by a vortex sneeze can only be solved by a vortex sneeze.”

“That’s a proverb in some realities,” Bill said. “I think the Time Baby coined it.”

Scout looked at the beast’s glittery nose. “Are you sure it’s the only thing that will work?”

“Most likely,” Ford said, very confidently for someone who wasn’t giving an actual yes.

Scout sighed. “Fine.”

“For Ducktective,” Stan said.

“Being sneezed on by pure magical energy isn’t something to complain about,” said Bill. “You guys have the dumbest preferences.”

The three of them lined up in front of the beast just in time.

It reared its head back and sneezed its soft sneeze, and Stan held his hands up right where the sneeze went.

There was a puff of the rainbow glitter, and when it passed, Stan’s lizard hands were gone. In their place were his human hands.

“Ha!” Stan said. “What do you know? It worked!”

Stan immediately pulled out his phone. He put his thumb over the finger-print scanner. The phone unlocked.

“And with three minutes to spare!” Stan said. “Ducktective, here I come!”

Bill was next to be switched. A thought suddenly occurred to Scout.

“Hey, wait a second,” Scout said. “If the sparkles made you exist again, won’t getting sneezed on now…undo that?”

Bill stared off toward the back of the cave. He shrugged a shoulder. “Eh. Probably. But it’s not like I’m supposed to be here, anyway. My current existence is just an allergic reaction. I can’t even float. If it has to end here, at least I wasn’t bored.”

“Oh,” Scout said. “No. That’s a terrible ending.”

The beast reared its head back.

Stan stepped forward. “Not so fast, Cipher! Since when do you cooperate? What have you got up your sleeve?”

The beast sneezed before Stan could get an answer.

Bill turned into a poof of glittery smoke.

But instead of disappearing, Bill started to glow. And then he floated.

“Aw, fiddlesticks,” said Ford.

Bill laughed as he rose into the air. “You fools! As if I’d be defeated so easily! The vortex beast doesn’t kill! It only creates! I’ve been restored to my truest form! I am a king among worms!”

“I knew that was too easy!” Stan said. He shielded Scout with his arm. “Get out of here, kid. We’ll find another way to get you home. This just got too dangerous. Oh, right, record Ducktective for me, though!”

Ford pulled some kind of gadget out of his coat and pointed it at Bill. “We’ve got it under control!”

“Nice try,” Bill said. “Like I’d stick around for that.”

Bill snapped his fingers.

Bill disappeared.

For a couple of seconds, everyone was silent.

Ford lowered the gadget and put it back in his coat.

Stan stopped shielding Scout with his arm. “Well, that’s gonna come up again, eventually.”

Ford smiled and patted his pocket. “We’ll be ready for it. The power boost is temporary. He’s just feeding off the magical energy from that sneeze. He can’t cause too much damage as he is.”

The beast looked completely bored and unaffected by what had just happened.

Its big nose twitched.

“Well,” Stan said. “Looks like it’s your turn after all, kid.”

Scout stepped forward.

Stan met Scout’s eyes. “That was one crazy adventure. You were right about coming here. It was good we went after Ford ourselves. And you weren’t even scared.”

“Well, for me, this is just a TV show,” Scout said. “So it wasn’t really scary.”

“Like I said. Crazy.” Stan laughed. He extended his hand. “Maybe I’ll see you around.”

Scout shook Stan’s hand. “I hope so. That would be awesome, Grunkle Stan!”

The beast sneezed.

“Until next time, Scout,” said Stan.

Scout was engulfed in rainbow glitter.

Then everything went white and empty.

…

Scout was rising.

Through white emptiness.

Like falling, but upward.

And it was boring, but he knew this time it wouldn’t last forever.

And then he saw a glowing triangle floating next to him.

“Bill?!” said Scout.

Bill Cipher looked transparent. No more physical form. But he was here. He looked at Scout through the side of his eye.

“Kid! About time you showed up,” Bill said.

“What are you doing here?” said Scout.

“I’m taking advantage of the beast’s dimensional sparkles,” Bill said, gesturing to himself. “I told you. It’s pure magical energy. And it might just be enough to make me manifest in your universe.”

“Wait, my universe? You want to visit that badly?”

“Yeah. You guys have it crazy there. Rumor is, the individual hairs on each of your heads are actually visible. Pure madness!”

“Oh. Wow. That’s madness to you?”

“I love it! You’re completely desensitized! I can’t wait to see this place!”

A robotic sounding voice echoed around them.

“DIMENSION GATE ACTIVATED,” said the voice. “DIMENSION GATE ACTIVATED. SCOUT JONES, HUMAN BOY, AND BILL CIPHER, UNKNOWN, NOW ENTERING ALTERNATE DIMENSION.”

…

They landed in the bathroom, right where Scout had been brushing his teeth before.

Scout’s toothbrush was still laying on its side by the sink.

“Whoa,” Bill said, looking around. His eye was big and looked like it was full of galaxies as it took everything in. He floated backward and forward shakily. “So. Much. Detail.”

“You’ll probably get used to it,” Scout said. “I think?”

“Haha, no, that won’t happen,” Bill said. “The dimensional sparkles are gonna wear off in a minute and I’ll be launched into a more compatible reality. I won’t have time to get used to anything. But why would you want to? Being overwhelmed is hilarious!”

“So, you’ll keep existing?” Scout said.

“Of course I will!” Bill said. “Hey, come find me sometime. My offer about the flying bears still stands.”

Bill disappeared.

Scout blinked at the now empty space.

“Well,” Scout said. “That’s gonna be on my mind for a while.”

There was a knock on the bathroom door.

“Scout?” It was his mom’s voice. “Buddy? Everything okay in there? It sounded like you were talking to someone.”

She didn’t sound worried. So no time had passed here while he was in a different dimension?

Scout opened the bathroom door. He looked up at her. “I’m fine,” he said. “I had a really weird experience, though.”

His mom’s eyes widened. She pursed her lips. She looked like she was trying not to laugh. “Honey. Why are you covered in glitter?”

Scout looked down at himself.

Right.

“Um,” Scout said. “Yeah. This might take some explaining. And soap, apparently.”

THE END :)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for stopping by!


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